If You Can't Respect The Sanctity of Your Marriage, Why Did You Get Married?

Growing up, I watched and heard about a few people I knew get divorced. I heard about men and women who were unfaithful in their relationships. I saw media outlets bombard celebrities who were caught cheating. And then I saw healthy relationships. Marriages where couples fought to stay together, despite all the odds and trials. I don't think I ever realized the effects of divorce and infidelity. Until I got married I didn't fully comprehend the reality of a lifetime commitment. It's hard, and there are some days that I feel completely overwhelmed, but I know I will never walk away. I'll never give up or sacrifice the marriage I have to see if there is something better than what I've got. But it seems like in this day and age, that's exactly what people want to do. When times get tough, or when people see someone who has more money, sex appeal, or whatever it is, they bolt. People are too scared to fight for their marriages. They walk away at the first sign of difficulty, or when something new and appealing passes by.

I don't think I knew, despite seeing divorces happen growing up, just how common they are. Being married to someone in the military is tough, but I can't say the challenges it presents are tougher than those that others face. But I have seen more divorce, infidelity and disrespect in marriages in the last two years than I ever knew existed. Why? Why do people give up so easily? Why do they run when a challenge presents itself? Why can't they stay faithful to the person they promised to stay faithful to until death? Why is it so easy to walk away from something you were once so committed to? Why did you get married if you couldn't respect the sanctity of your marriage? 

I completely recognize that sometimes there are issues in marriage that cannot be solved. Abuse and serious issues are things no one should have to live with. No one should feel obligated to spend their lives unhappy, hurt and miserable. But if there are problems that can be solved, if there is something that can be avoided in order to save your marriage, why wouldn't you do it? As I've watched marriages in the community around us crumble, I've noticed some things. I've watched people cheat and lie and walk away, and these are reasons I see behind those actions. 

1. Immaturity. I think sometimes people get married too young, or even just too soon. I was 18 when I got married, but I knew I was ready and I knew this marriage was something I would never walk away from. Getting married means growing up. It means taking responsibility and being truly committed to something. But I think people get married sometimes just because the idea of being married sounds fun, or because they are still in the early stage of infatuation and they see the other person as completely perfect. They're in La La Land, and don't realize that they aren't perfect, and neither is their significant other. But then they get married and reality hits. They have to pay bills and work and life isn't what it was when they were dating. They realize they weren't ready to be completely committed to one person. They still want to party and sleep around and enjoy the single life, but they aren't single anymore. Then trust issues develop in the relationship, and before you know it they're on the fast track to a divorce. If you can't grow up, if you can't give up flirting with every person of the opposite sex, if you can't get over wanting to party with your friends every night instead of spending quality time with your spouse, you're not ready to get married. I see some marriages like this. The couple still wants to party and play, and they do, so their relationship doesn't grow. Instead of being a couple in love living together, they act more like roommates. Their relationship doesn't grow or progress. So what's the point of being married? 

2. Disrespect. I believe that a key factor in successful relationships is respect. If you can't respect someone, you won't tell them the truth, you won't trust them, and you won't treat them the way they deserve. Why would you stay faithful to someone you don't respect? Why would you want to be in a committed relationship with someone you don't respect? You wouldn't. 

3. Addictions. Drugs. Video Games. Pornography. Anything that takes precedence over your marriage. I don't care what people say, I don't care what your argument is. Pornography is devastating to relationships, marriage especially. If you would rather watch porn than be intimate with your spouse, there's a problem. If you have to look at pornography to get aroused so you can be intimate with your spouse, there is an issue. If you stay up until 3 in the morning every night playing video games and your spouse goes to bed alone, there is an issue. If you come home and spend the rest of your day playing games and you never get quality time with your spouse, there is an issue. I recognize that you can't spend 24/7 with your spouse and let go of being your own person. Everyone should be able to have hobbies and participate in things they love. But NOTHING should be a priority over your marriage. 

4. Sex is Just Sex. I know couples who go to strip clubs for their date night. Why? You watch someone else to get aroused, and then you are intimate with your spouse? Is that all sex is? Just the simple act? There is no emotion, no love, no connection. I watch couples go through long deployments. It's hard, sure. Do I miss that connection with my husband? Absolutely. But I'm not going to go out and sleep with somebody because to me, sex is not just sex. And it shouldn't be just that. If you can't keep it in your pants for a few months, or even a few days, then you should not be married. Infidelity creates a huge lack of trust. It is a wound that, although can be forgiven, can never be forgotten. If you got married so you can have sex every day, you shouldn't be married. Marriage is about more than that, intimacy is about more than that. 

It frustrates me to no end to watch people who can't stay faithful, who are married but don't care to spend time together. Why did you get married? Did you not love that person? Did you not expect to grow old, have children, and make a lifetime of memories with that person? Marriage is a LIFELONG commitment. It should not be something that you look at as expendable. It's not a high school relationship that you can walk away from at any time with no repercussions or consequences. If you are not ready to be completely committed to one person for the rest of your life, save yourself the heartache. If you can't see yourself growing old with that person, walk away. If you aren't ready to make sacrifices and compromises, don't make the commitment. Marriage is sacred and special. It is about love, respect, honor, sacrifice, and so much more. Before you take that step, make sure you are completely committed, and that walking away is not an option. Marriage should be fought for. Fight for your marriage. Love your spouse. Don't ever give up or walk away because it gets hard, or because you think the grass is greener on the other side.

Love, Harmonie 

I Got Married When I Was 18 And It Didn't Ruin My Life

I have seen so many blog posts and articles with some variation of the title Why You Shouldn't Get Married Young. I just googled that exact phrase and on the first page there were 8 links to posts about why getting married young is a bad decision. In fact, one article was titled Why I Believe Marriage Shouldn't Be Allowed Before Age 25. It's articles like this one that bother me. She was young and immature. She wasn't ready to get married, and her marriage failed. But that doesn't mean that every person under the age of 25 is immature and unsure of who they are and what they want.

I'm not here to say that getting married at a young age is for everyone. But I don't think any one person should be told when they are ready and should be allowed to get married. From the time I was little all I wanted to be was a mom and a wife. I used to tell my mom that by the time I turned 21, I wanted to be married and have at least one baby. Sure, maybe that was crazy, but it was what I wanted. I was always told I was very mature for my age. I've always known what I wanted to be when I grew up; a wife and mom. Yes, I've always wanted to go to college and perhaps pursue a career, but it has never been my main goal. I had a lot of life experiences that made me grow up fast and prepared me for marriage. My marriage isn't perfect, but I know it was the right decision for me. Marriage didn't ruin my life, it enriches my life every single day. I can, and do, do all the things that these bloggers think only single people can do. Marriage is work! It is full of sacrifice and selflessness and giving up things that you want for the growth of your relationship. The majority of the reasons that these bloggers state for not getting married young are selfish. There is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself and finding who you are and becoming independent. But there is also nothing wrong with sacrificing things you want for someone else, being a support system for someone, and gaining that support system in return, or changing some of the dreams you had in order to fulfill some of your partner's dreams, or dreams you have together. These are some of these bloggers' reasons to not get married young, and why I disagree.

1. You Need To Sleep Around. Yes this is legit. It's #5 in this article. Good laws people! Really? I NEED to sleep around? I don't NEED to sleep with 15 different guys to decide if I'm going to be happy with the person I marry for the rest of my life. This article states that, "You’re an animal! Literally. It’s in your blood to want to spread your seed, even if you’re a woman. If you’ve only slept with a couple of people and then commit to sleeping with one person the rest of your life…you’ll get “the itch” later down the line." This is why marriages fail! Because people believe there is more for them out there than what they've got. I can't imagine having to sit down with my husband the night of our wedding and have the question of, "How many people have you been with?" come up, as I try to count my fingers, then toes, and then every hair on my head to see if I can remember every person I've slept with. That is not an experience I want. If you got married based on how good your sex life is, then you shouldn't have gotten married. If sex is just some way to release your inner "animal", then you seriously need to reevaluate your life. I learned the hard way that physical intimacy is SPECIAL. It is meant for two people who truly love each other. It connects two people in ways far beyond the realm of their animal instincts.

2. You Make Your Closest Friends While Single. This comes from the same article as above. While I will agree that I made some close friends before I got married, I have also made close friends while being married. Our friendship is not limited to "dinner dates that last for 2 hours, and are way too sober." Actually, we're always sober, and sometimes we do go on dinner dates! But we also spend hours sitting on the couch talking, laughing, and crying. I met one of the best friends I've ever had after I got married and it's a friendship I never would have developed if I wouldn't have gotten married.

3. You Won't Travel As Much/You'll Miss Opportunities/You Won't Meet New People. Also from the same article. FALSE! I'm preparing for my 5th move in two years. I've traveled more in my two years of marriage than I did in my first 18 years of life. I wouldn't have traveled to the places I have if I would've stayed single. I'm not an adventurous person a lot of the time. I'm scared to meet new people, I'm scared to try new things, and I'm scared to go new places. My husband pushes those boundaries and helps me to branch outside my comfort zone. I have done things that I never would've done if he wouldn't have helped me get past my fears and insecurities. I've met people I never would've talked to, gone places I would have only dreamed about, and tried things I never even wanted to try, because I got married. I don't want to travel the world with people I'll never talk to again, or friends who I might not ever see again. I want to travel the world and have adventures with someone who I can reminisce with for the rest of my life! I want to be able to tell our kids about all the things we were able to do and see together.

4. You Need Time To Find Yourself. This is true. It's important to find yourself, to develop confidence and independence and strength within yourself. I truly believe that you can't fully love someone until you love yourself. However, I have learned more about myself through my husband and our experiences together than I ever knew. I've had to learn how independent and strong I can be. I struggled our first few months of marriage, having recently gotten out of a relationship where I lost my confidence and love for myself. My husband broke down those walls and HELPED me find myself. Sure, I could've done it on my own. But I wouldn't have done it as quickly, and I wouldn't have learned the things about myself that I learned from him.

5. You Need to Learn How to Depend on Yourself. Yes, I'm married. No, I don't have a full time job. But you better believe I have learned how to depend on myself! My husband is gone for the majority of a year every 12 months. He's not here to fix the car and pay the bills for me! Had I stayed home and gone to college, I would've lived with my parents. I wouldn't have had bills, or had to pay my own car insurance, or buy my own groceries. I don't do everything, and I still depend on my husband to help me with a lot of things. But I know that I can take care of myself when he's gone.

6. You'll Miss Having Friends of the Opposite Sex. Really? I don't. Why do you have friends of the opposite sex anyways? For physical pleasure? For companionship? Oh, wait. I get those things from being married. I have a friend of the opposite sex, he's my best friend. He's the one friend of the opposite sex I wanted to spend every single day of my life with. Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I don't have male friends. I just don't really care to have them. I don't crave that companionship. I don't miss having a bunch of guy friends! I have my best guy friend right by my side, whenever I want him!

7. You Don't Know What You Want in a Partner. What little girl, and boy, growing up, didn't have their "Dream Girl/Guy List"? I did. I have always had a list of qualities in my mind of what I wanted in a future husband. Hard working, compassionate, good with kids, a strong religious belief, etc. I was in a steady relationship for almost three years in high school. I thought I found someone who had all the qualities that I wanted. Turns out, I was wrong. I learned a lot about what I wanted from that relationship. Someone who respects me, someone who pushes me every single day to be better, someone who makes me want to be a better person, someone I will be proud to call the father of my children. My husband has qualities I didn't even know I wanted. I didn't know I would want to have someone who makes me laugh every day, someone who I can act like a child with and not care. Someone who gives me butterflies and makes me feel like we are that annoying lovey couple in public. Someone who makes me want to fight for our marriage. Someone I can be comfortable waking up to with bad breath and no makeup. I didn't know I wanted all that. But I do now. And I never would have known I wanted all those things until after I got married. So no, I didn't know everything I wanted in a partner. But I knew the kind of man I wanted to be with. I had things I wouldn't settle on. I had standards I wasn't going to sacrifice for a man, and because I didn't I married exactly who I wanted to marry.

Additionally, here are my own reasons for being glad I got married so young.

1. I Don't Feel Pressure to Have Kids. My biggest dream is to be a mom. I can't wait to have little babies. But I just turned 21. I don't have to worry about my eggs expiring in the next year or two! I can continue to go on adventures and spend time getting to know my husband before we even have to worry about having kids.

2. I Can Still Be a Kid. I don't always act like an adult. But I don't care! I can be silly and immature and act like a fool, and my husband does it right along with me. Getting married meant growing up and having responsibilities, sure. But it didn't mean letting go of my youth and giving up on late night dance parties or karaoke competitions in the car.

3. I Can Still Finish School. I didn't get married and pop out a baby right away (nothing against those who did), so I can take my time in finishing school and deciding what I want to do. I still don't know what I'm going to pursue, but I know I have time to decide.

4. My Husband and I Get to Grow, TOGETHER. Yes, we still have some individual growing to do. But I love that I get to experience life with my husband. I love that I get to watch him grow and succeed and achieve his dreams, and he gets to do the same with me.

5. I Don't Have to Worry About Dating, or Wonder When I'm Going to Get Married. I'm so glad I don't have to do the whole dating scene. I don't have to weed through boys and try to decide what I want. I don't have to deal with crazy, weird people. I don't have to get dumped ever again! I'm glad I didn't have to go on dates with 50 different people before I found my husband. I'm glad that I didn't have to wait until I'm 30 to get married. I love that I will never have to wonder where my husband is and if I will ever find him.

When I told my parents I was getting married, after only talking to my husband over the phone and on Facebook for a little over 4 months, they thought I had gone crazy. They thought I was just rebounding, and I was moving too fast. I was told by numerous people that I needed to back out or at least wait, otherwise it would surely end in divorce. But they were wrong. Maybe we were crazy. I got married 3 months before my 19th birthday. We had only been on two dates in person. But we knew we were right for each other. We had both been in bad, failed relationships right before we were together and we saw the difference in our relationship and knew it was what we wanted. Yes, maybe I could've gone some places and met some people and had some experiences I won't get to have because I'm married. But because I'm married, I know I get to travel. I know I get to feel love and happiness every day. I know I have experienced and will experience things I never would have experienced if I was still single. I love waking up every day next to my best friend, and knowing that I get to have him by my side through every trial, adventure, tear, and laugh for the rest of my life.


Love,
Harmonie