Year One: Trust. We got married fast. Like, really fast. Our relationship started long distance, and two days after we got married I flew back to Utah to finish my semester in college. We were apart our whole first month of marriage before I finally moved in with him in Florida! 8 months after we got married, Brandon left on his first deployment, and I really struggled. I had come out of a pretty rough relationship where I had been lied to and cheated on numerous times, and that left me struggling to get over a lot of things, but it really affected my ability to trust. Brandon was always so patient with me, and never gave me a reason not to trust him. And still, I struggled. I felt like a psycho person. We fought constantly his first deployment because I just wondered where he was and what he was doing all the time. He face-timed me almost every single day, and yet I still struggled! It was a huge mental hurdle for me to just STOP wondering. I battled it constantly that whole deployment. When he got home we spent a lot of time really growing our relationship in person, and that is when I think I really developed that trust. When we got married, I don't think I realized how many scars I had from my previous relationship and how much that was going to affect my marriage, but it did. I'm so grateful to say that now, 4+ years later, I no longer have those feelings of doubt or fear. Brandon has always helped me to feel confident and safe and I am so grateful to be in a marriage where I have complete trust in my spouse. I am a firm believer that without trust, a relationship can never work.
Year Two: Self-Confidence. This is another thing that I really struggled with as a result of my previous relationship, and I think that's part of why I had some trust issues. I was insecure and so I struggled to trust Brandon. I remember one night in particular, I was laying on the couch BAWLING. I don't even remember why, but Brandon knelt down beside me and told me that it was okay. To him, I was perfect. To him, my flaws were just part of what made me, me, and he LOVED every party of me! It has taken a lot of time for me to feel completely comfortable and confident in my own skin, and I still struggle with it a lot. But Brandon never hesitates to tell me I'm beautiful, and to compliment me on my talents, my quirks, and all the things that make me who I am. I truly believe that in order to completely love another person, you have to love yourself. I didn't completely love myself when we got married, but I know that without Brandon, I wouldn't have learned to love myself the way that I do now!
Year Three: Independence. I've always been the type of person who needs time alone. There comes a point where I just have to get away from everybody and everything and have some space. But, I never really liked doing things by myself. I didn't want to go to the grocery store alone, to the movies alone, etc. I like being surrounded by people! People I like, that is 😋. But with multiple deployments and lots of time alone, I've really had to learn to ENJOY being alone! I moved home for two of Brandon's three deployments, and so even though I spent the majority of that time around people, I did spend some of it completely alone. I had to unpack a house by myself twice, install washers and dryers, set up internet and utilities, and a million other things. That might all seem so small, but to me accomplishing all those things on my own was huge! I have learned to really love being by myself! I no longer hate going to the grocery store by myself, and I don't struggle when Brandon is gone at night. Plus, I have Kilo who always keeps me company! In a marriage, the relationship and partnership is the most important thing! But I also have learned that it's crucial to continue being your own person. Having a job or hobby that is yours and helps you to be happy with yourself is so important!
Year Four: Spontaneity. I haven't every considered myself to be a very spontaneous person. I'm not a planner, but I'm also not one to take off into the forest and go adventuring randomly. Brandon, however, is. He loves to wake me up at the butt crack of dawn and head out the door on some random adventure! I haven't always particularly enjoyed that! But, I'm learning to. We have had a lot of fun in our 5 years of marriage and have definitely gone on a lot of adventures. Brandon helps me to loosen up and be more in the moment. He has helped me to focus on NOW, to be grateful for it, and to make the most of it. There are a lot of things that we have done that I probably never would've done if it wasn't for him! I love to relax and enjoy things, and I don't like to plan every second of my vacation. But typically, if we have a plan and a schedule I prefer to keep to it. Brandon does not. He likes to pull off the side of the road for every little antique shop, hidden beach, and random trail appearing out of the woods. Sometimes I get frustrated with it but I continue to work hard on letting go of that control and taking in every moment! I'm really grateful to have a husband who pushes me out of my comfort zone and encourages me to do things that I don't think I want to do!
Year Five: Emotional Vulnerability. Of all the things I have learned, this has probably been the hardest, and it has really come to head in the last year or so. I've never been a person to share all my fears and struggles. I tend to keep them mostly to myself, and every once in a while I have an emotional breakdown when I just can't handle it anymore or some tiny thing tips me right over the edge. Our struggle with infertility has brought out all the emotions and for a really long time, I struggled to be open about those feelings, especially with Brandon. I didn't, and still don't really, want him to know how much I struggle on a daily basis. On New Year's Eve, we had a complete blow up. I was exhausted. All these emotions and struggles were coming to a head and manifesting themselves in other parts of our lives that they shouldn't have been intruding on, and I fell apart. I have this belief that I have to just deal with it and be strong. I told Brandon that if I allowed myself to feel these emotions every single day, I would never get out of bed. It would be completely debilitating and I can't allow myself to get to that place. Over the years, Brandon has forced me to open up, and it is probably the best thing he has done for me. If he knows something is wrong, he doesn't let me stew on it. He encourages me to open up and talk about it because he knows eventually it will explode. Sometimes I still close it off, and then it starts to build. This is something I'm still learning and working really hard to push through! I know that being emotionally vulnerable with Brandon is one of the things that has brought us closer than just about anything else. He never offers unsolicited advice or tries to belittle my feelings. He is always logical and helps me to reason and talk things out. How blessed I am that I have a husband who has helped me to piece myself back together time and time again! Being able to be emotionally vulnerable in a marriage is, to me, a complete game changer. Knocking down those walls and allowing yourself to be honest on that level can be terrifying and exhausting. But nothing has strengthened our marriage more!
The last 5 years have truly been the best years of my life, but they have also been the hardest. I have never felt so much sadness, heartache, and fear. But I have never experienced this level of joy, hope and love. Marriage is hard, but I'm grateful to be married to someone who also makes it so incredibly easy. Here's to the next 5!
Love, Harmonie
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