We went to Walmart, and in true Brandon & Harmonee fashion, we decided at that final minute to buy Butterfinger ice cream instead of my birth control. And that was it! We were taking the first steps towards starting our family.
I started my period shortly after getting off of birth control, and then we had one cycle to "try" before Brandon left for 7 months. I started my period the day after he left and I remember crying in our downstairs half bath. Little did I know, that first disappointing "not pregnant" was only the beginning.
Here we are, exactly 8 years later. We did 4 unsuccessful medicated cycles earlier this year, and after the 4th one in June failed I felt so hopeless. When we started those treatments, I was really sure one of them would work. For the first time in years I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be and I was hopeful. The process of going through infertility treatments broke down walls I spent years building so that I would have the will to get out of bed and keep living my life. The breakdown of those walls put me in a really vulnerable place emotionally and I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay.
I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my infertility doctor at the beginning of September, but I canceled the appointment. I have been seeing a functional medicine doctor and after realizing all my hormones are completely out of whack, we decided to work on regulating those instead of putting a $20,000+ IVF bandaid on them, with no guarantee it would be successful.
It's hard to be in this place. The reality is I don't know that we'll have kids. It can be hard when people tell you, "I know your time is coming! Somehow, you will be parents!" But... I don't know that. I hope for it, and I pray every day it will happen, but I don't know it. I know so many people who just know they have babies waiting. They've had divine, spiritual confirmation, and I know more than one person who has had a very vivid dream with a specifically named child. I've never had that. I've never received an answer to "Will I?" and that's a hard reality to grasp.
We gave ourselves a cutoff date. It's hard to say that after a certain point in time we just... won't try anymore. But I also know we can't do this until it isn't physically possible anymore. I also know I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to start having kids. Had we gotten pregnant within the first year of us trying, we would have a 6 or 7 year old. In all reality, we would probably be done having kids, or close to it. And instead we haven't even started. It's a hard reality for me to grasp and even though I feel like I've come a long way emotionally, there are still days and events that bring me to my knees. Sometimes I wonder, if I could go back, would I tell that Harmonee how hard it would be? Would I warn her so she would be prepared, or start getting help sooner? Would I help her know how to advocate for herself so doctors would listen? Or would that just have deterred me from trying?
So, I don't know what's next, really. We're working on regulating hormones and getting our bodies to a healthier place so we can optimize our success, with or without infertility treatments. It's hard because no matter what direction we go, it requires time. And time is the one thing in this process that there just isn't enough of. But we're here, and we're trying. We're praying for answers and results and doing our best, in the mean time, to live our lives to the fullest.
Love, Harmonee
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