The Tiniest Blessing

Over the last 5 years, I've collected baby items here and there; blankets, clothes, books and the occasional toy. But about two years ago, it became too hard. I stopped seeing the point in buying baby items for a baby we didn't have, and didn't know if we would ever have. It got difficult to walk through the baby section, and pretty soon I was avoiding it altogether. But then, my little sister told me I was going to be an aunt.

Suddenly, I had an actual reason to go into the baby section. I wasn't buying items for a baby that didn't exist anymore! I was buying them for a tiny human growing inside my sister's belly, and I was so excited. I was surprised at how excited I was. I thought it would be more painful, and even though there were certainly days when it was hard, there was an overwhelming excitement and happiness for this new baby joining our family.

I flew home to Utah for the birth of my nephew, and I was overwhelmed the whole way there. I was so nervous. I was afraid that I would get there and have a total meltdown, that I would be overwhelmed with mixed emotions, that I wouldn't be able to love and bond with him the way I wanted to. Maybe those things are completely illogical, but they're legitimate concerns that I had. And yet, when I walked in the room and the nurse brought him back in from one of his tests, I fell in love. He was perfect.

I was lucky enough to spend the 2.5 weeks that I was home at my sister's house, snuggling that teensy baby as much as I could. I was amazed how this little human who wasn't even mine could fill this hole in my heart that had hurt for so long. I realized that this little baby was the closest thing I have to my own babies. Just a short time before I got to hold him, he was with them. That small thought brought me more comfort than I can even explain.

I recently went back to Utah for another trip that was much too short. But once again, I got to spend that time at my sister's house. That tiny baby, although still small, is so much bigger than he was 4 months ago. His little giggle lights up the whole room, and it is so much fun to make him smile. His sweet little dimples melt my heart and I just can't believe how perfect he is.

Watching my little sister become a mom and step so naturally into that role is one of the most incredible things I've ever watched. It's so obvious it's something she was born to do, and the way that her sweet baby boy looks at her is absolutely magical. It's amazing to see how much he loves her and how he knows exactly who she is. She is his entire world, and it's one of my favorite things to see.

I knew I was going to love this little boy, but I had no idea just how much he would bless my life. Seeing the beauty of motherhood in my sister has brought me so much happiness. I've found so much peace in knowing that even if I never had kids, I would have this sweet little boy and his future brothers and sisters to love.

Infertility is hard, and it never gets easier. But when tiny blessings like this little guy come along, it helps me to realize that even through the heartache, Heavenly Father is bringing love and peace into my life in ways I didn't know were possible. Being an aunt to this sweet boy is my greatest blessing yet.

Love,
Harmonie

I Thought That Would Be Me

This is probably the hardest blog post I've written. In this journey of Infertility, vulnerability is the hardest part. One of the things I think I express in every blog post and that I want to reiterate here, is that I never want people to think I'm sharing these things for pity, or because I want people to feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't do or say things around me because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing or hitting a nerve. One of the biggest things I've learned in this journey is that Infertility is no one's fault. It isn't our fault we haven't been able to have babies, but Sally got pregnant her first try, and Suzy's husband can get her pregnant just by winking at her. I never want anyone to mistake my pain for anger or frustration towards them. I can be happy for you, and still be sad for us! 

I was the first in my group of friends to get married, in fact, I was one of the first in my high school class to get married. I assumed we would have babies before everyone else since we got married so much earlier than most of my friends. But, time passed, and even the friends who got married years after we did have started their little families. It seems like there is a pregnancy announcement on Facebook at least once a week. I remember thinking, "I'm fine. She hasn't had a baby yet and neither have they. I still have lots of time." But now, I can count on one hand the number of friends I have that haven't had a baby or aren't pregnant, and every time I see another pregnancy announcement my heart breaks a little more. Because I thought that would be me.

In December, my little sister announced that she was pregnant. I remember we were unpacking, and we were taking boxes from the kitchen into the garage. I stopped and sat at the bottom of the stairs and told Brandon I needed a minute. I started crying and he knew immediately what was wrong. But I was so conflicted. I was so excited! I have been looking forward to little cowboy and cowgirl babies since before my sister even got married. But how my heart ached. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning, I started to think about everything else that her pregnancy meant. We were married 4.5 years before my sister. I was the first of my siblings to get married and logically, I figured we would have kids before they did. I just knew that I would be the one to make my brothers uncles, and to tell my parents they were going to be grandparents. I had this vision in my head of the way it would go and how exciting it would be. But instead of me, my little sister got to do that. This crushed dream welled up inside and my heart broke all over again. Because I thought that would be me.

I struggle to go out at all. Church is hard because nearly everyone has babies and little kids. Even places like the zoo are difficult because all I can think about is how much more fun it would be if we had an excited little boy running around roaring at the lions. It seems so silly, sometimes, to dream of a life I don't have. It seems silly to wish a moment was different, even though that moment is good. But every time we go out, I look at the little families and my heart sinks. Because I thought that would be me.

Last August, I went to Kauai with my mom, sister and brother-in-law. There was this adorable turtle onesie that we saw everywhere. It was one of those onesies that was customized to the location and that you buy your baby as a souvenir. I ended up sending a picture to Brandon and asking him if I needed it. He told me no. I knew I probably didn't, but I wanted it anyway. I didn't buy it because, well, who buys a souvenir onesie for a baby they don't have? In February, some of my family came to visit. We went to the Polynesian Cultural Center and, lo and behold, there was that turtle onesie. My mom picked it up and walked to the counter with it, to buy it for her grand baby that came along for the trip in my sister's belly. I had to walk outside. I sat on a bench next to my husband and cried behind my sunglasses. Because I thought that would be me.

There are so many things about Infertility that are hard. The realization that you have to let go of a dream, or at least let go of some of the details, is so difficult. I have always had this vision in my head of how my family would be. I wanted a family young, so that my kids could grow up with lots of cousins and could have time with their grandparents and great-grandparents that they really remembered and cherished. I wanted to make my parents grandparents. I want to share all these beautiful places that we get to live with my kids. I want to watch my cousins hold my babies at the family reunions. I want my kids to remember my grandparents, because the memories I have of my great-grandparents are memories I will cherish forever. And I know, we have time. I know, we're still young. But we aren't getting younger, and if the next 4.5 years go as quickly as the last have, we truly don't have as much time as we'd like to believe we do. I know that just because some of the things I dreamed of can't be a reality, that doesn't mean that some of them can't. It doesn't mean we won't have kids, or that I can't make my parents grandparents again. But letting go of those hopes and visions can truly be heartbreaking. Maybe it's naive to get so worked up and hope for things that you don't know will happen. It's unfair to put this expectation on ourselves when we have no control over whether or not it will happen. But without those hopes, without those dreams, what else do we have?

I'm not sharing this so you feel bad for us. I'm sharing this because I'm hoping it will reach someone else who is struggling. I'm writing about our struggles because I hope that it will help someone else feel comfortable sharing theirs. I'm talking about our feelings because no one should be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about their struggle with Infertility. I'm trying to Flip the Script, because I never thought this would be me.


Love, Harmonie

5 Lessons in 5 Years

We have officially been married for FIVE years! The time seems to have gone by so quickly. Over the last 5 years, we have experienced 3 deployments, 9 moves, way too many 16-hour drives to and from Utah, a cross-country road trip, a West Coast road trip, a move across the ocean, infertility, tears, heartache, fights, smiles, laughter, and copious amounts of happiness. 5 years of marriage has taught me a lot of things, but to me, these are the 5 biggest things!

Year One: Trust. We got married fast. Like, really fast. Our relationship started long distance, and two days after we got married I flew back to Utah to finish my semester in college. We were apart our whole first month of marriage before I finally moved in with him in Florida! 8 months after we got married, Brandon left on his first deployment, and I really struggled. I had come out of a pretty rough relationship where I had been lied to and cheated on numerous times, and that left me struggling to get over a lot of things, but it really affected my ability to trust. Brandon was always so patient with me, and never gave me a reason not to trust him. And still, I struggled. I felt like a psycho person. We fought constantly his first deployment because I just wondered where he was and what he was doing all the time. He face-timed me almost every single day, and yet I still struggled! It was a huge mental hurdle for me to just STOP wondering. I battled it constantly that whole deployment. When he got home we spent a lot of time really growing our relationship in person, and that is when I think I really developed that trust. When we got married, I don't think I realized how many scars I had from my previous relationship and how much that was going to affect my marriage, but it did. I'm so grateful to say that now, 4+ years later, I no longer have those feelings of doubt or fear. Brandon has always helped me to feel confident and safe and I am so grateful to be in a marriage where I have complete trust in my spouse. I am a firm believer that without trust, a relationship can never work. 

Year Two: Self-Confidence. This is another thing that I really struggled with as a result of my previous relationship, and I think that's part of why I had some trust issues. I was insecure and so I struggled to trust Brandon. I remember one night in particular, I was laying on the couch BAWLING. I don't even remember why, but Brandon knelt down beside me and told me that it was okay. To him, I was perfect. To him, my flaws were just part of what made me, me, and he LOVED every party of me! It has taken a lot of time for me to feel completely comfortable and confident in my own skin, and I still struggle with it a lot. But Brandon never hesitates to tell me I'm beautiful, and to compliment me on my talents, my quirks, and all the things that make me who I am. I truly believe that in order to completely love another person, you have to love yourself. I didn't completely love myself when we got married, but I know that without Brandon, I wouldn't have learned to love myself the way that I do now!

Year Three: Independence. I've always been the type of person who needs time alone. There comes a point where I just have to get away from everybody and everything and have some space. But, I never really liked doing things by myself. I didn't want to go to the grocery store alone, to the movies alone, etc. I like being surrounded by people! People I like, that is 😋. But with multiple deployments and lots of time alone, I've really had to learn to ENJOY being alone! I moved home for two of Brandon's three deployments, and so even though I spent the majority of that time around people, I did spend some of it completely alone. I had to unpack a house by myself twice, install washers and dryers, set up internet and utilities, and a million other things. That might all seem so small, but to me accomplishing all those things on my own was huge! I have learned to really love being by myself! I no longer hate going to the grocery store by myself, and I don't struggle when Brandon is gone at night. Plus, I have Kilo who always keeps me company! In a marriage, the relationship and partnership is the most important thing! But I also have learned that it's crucial to continue being your own person. Having a job or hobby that is yours and helps you to be happy with yourself is so important!

Year Four: Spontaneity. I haven't every considered myself to be a very spontaneous person. I'm not a planner, but I'm also not one to take off into the forest and go adventuring randomly. Brandon, however, is. He loves to wake me up at the butt crack of dawn and head out the door on some random adventure! I haven't always particularly enjoyed that! But, I'm learning to. We have had a lot of fun in our 5 years of marriage and have definitely gone on a lot of adventures. Brandon helps me to loosen  up and be more in the moment. He has helped me to focus on NOW, to be grateful for it, and to make the most of it. There are a lot of things that we have done that I probably never would've done if it wasn't for him! I love to relax and enjoy things, and I don't like to plan every second of my vacation. But typically, if we have a plan and a schedule I prefer to keep to it. Brandon does not. He likes to pull off the side of the road for every little antique shop, hidden beach, and random trail appearing out of the woods. Sometimes I get frustrated with it but I continue to work hard on letting go of that control and taking in every moment! I'm really grateful to have a husband who pushes me out of my comfort zone and encourages me to do things that I don't think I want to do!

Year Five: Emotional Vulnerability. Of all the things I have learned, this has probably been the hardest, and it has really come to head in the last year or so. I've never been a person to share all my fears and struggles. I tend to keep them mostly to myself, and every once in a while I have an emotional breakdown when I just can't handle it anymore or some tiny thing tips me right over the edge. Our struggle with infertility has brought out all the emotions and for a really long time, I struggled to be open about those feelings, especially with Brandon. I didn't, and still don't really, want him to know how much I struggle on a daily basis. On New Year's Eve, we had a complete blow up. I was exhausted. All these emotions and struggles were coming to a head and manifesting themselves in other parts of our lives that they shouldn't have been intruding on, and I fell apart. I have this belief that I have to just deal with it and be strong. I told Brandon that if I allowed myself to feel these emotions every single day, I would never get out of bed. It would be completely debilitating and I can't allow myself to get to that place. Over the years, Brandon has forced me to open up, and it is probably the best thing he has done for me. If he knows something is wrong, he doesn't let me stew on it. He encourages me to open up and talk about it because he knows eventually it will explode. Sometimes I still close it off, and then it starts to build. This is something I'm still learning and working really hard to push through! I know that being emotionally vulnerable with Brandon is one of the things that has brought us closer than just about anything else. He never offers unsolicited advice or tries to belittle my feelings. He is always logical and helps me to reason and talk things out. How blessed I am that I have a husband who has helped me to piece myself back together time and time again! Being able to be emotionally vulnerable in a marriage is, to me, a complete game changer. Knocking down those walls and allowing yourself to be honest on that level can be terrifying and exhausting. But nothing has strengthened our marriage more!

The last 5 years have truly been the best years of my life, but they have also been the hardest. I have never felt so much sadness, heartache, and fear. But I have never experienced this level of joy, hope and love. Marriage is hard, but I'm grateful to be married to someone who also makes it so incredibly easy. Here's to the next 5!

Love, Harmonie

This is Infertility

I started this draft over 3 months ago, and I had drafts of it written in my head for months before that. It's hard to write, it's scary to write. It's so hard to be vulnerable and to let people into this very private part of our life. But I also feel like there are just so many things about infertility that go unsaid, and I want it to be okay for those going through it to share them.


In a box tucked away in one of our closets is a box of baby clothes with all their tags attached. For the past few years, I have carefully chosen a few pieces here and there that I loved. I don't buy every single thing I see that I want to buy, but there are a few things that have caught my eye that I just knew I would regret not buying. I've bought boy and girl clothes, blankets, and even a few random things, like a Flamingo car seat cover and a set of toddler dishes. I collect children's books everywhere we go, and I have more nautical/beach/tropical themed fabric than I even know what to do with. For a really long time, these things brought me comfort. Buying something little here and there helped me to keep the faith and belief that, someday, we would be parents. When I first started to buy things, nearly 5 years ago, I thought surely, a year from now we'll have kids. And then a year later, I thought there is no way we won't have a baby a year from now. And each year those thoughts slowly dwindled. Brandon always struggled with buying things for babies we didn't have, and I never understood that. But now I do. I remember the exact night I packed the box of clothes in the photo below. I was sitting alone on the bed in our rental house in Washington. My mom and Holden had left earlier in the day and I was trying to get things cleaned up and organized for Brandon's arrival home and for our quickly approaching move. As I pulled the pieces out and folded them and put them into a different box, I sobbed. I finally understood why Brandon didn't want to buy baby things. Because now, that hope and faith of having kids of our own is a question. I haven't bought baby items for months now. This is infertility.

I remember one night the realization that we had been trying to have kids for far longer than normal hit me. We had been trying for about 3 years at this point, and it was just painful. Thinking about it was painful, talking about it was painful, and the thought of "what if it never happens" was something that crept into my mind in moments I least expected it. One night after Brandon fell asleep, I stayed up. I got on YouTube and watched videos of people who experienced infertility, I read blogs, and I got on Pinterest to look at information or quotes about infertility. I sat in bed stifling sobs so I wouldn't wake Brandon. I didn't want him to know it hurt so bad. I still have those nights, and those days. Days where I just don't want to do it any more. Days when I feel like my heart will actually break from the pain. This is infertility.

Recently, I've watched a lot of friends and family get pregnant and have babies. It's the strangest thing to experience. I feel so much joy and excitement for those who are starting their families, especially when it's someone close to me. I can't wait to snuggle their babies, to watch them grow, and to buy all the baby things for them. But it hurts so much. And it's hard, because I am not angry or sad because of them, or at them. I'm not upset because they're pregnant, I'm sad because I'm not. I think that's the hardest thing to express, because I don't ever want anyone to feel like I am not happy for them or like they should tiptoe around me and my feelings. I'm excited for those who are able to have babies, and I want nothing more than to be able to share their excitement and love. But there might be moments I just need to be sad. It's just important for those around me to remember it has absolutely nothing to do with them. It's the most confusing thing to be so excited, but so sad at the same time. This is infertility. 

I LOVE babies. From the time I was little I have absolutely loved babies and little kids. I couldn't wait to have my own! But now, everywhere little kids are, it's hard to be. I love going to family parties and seeing all the cute kids, but there are moments that I find myself sitting, surrounding by love and laughter and the most important people in my life, stuck in my sadness for just a few moments. I sit and wonder when that will be me, when I will be able to experience my kids running around causing trouble with their cousins, or taking a nap with my cute grandpa. Will I have kids soon enough so that they will be able to spend that time with my grandparents? Church is hard. One of the biggest parts of our church is eternal families, and having kids. Every time we move to a new ward, the question of "When are you having kids?" or "No kids yet?" comes up about a million times. The first few times I went back to my home ward in Utah, it was the same question. Now when I go home, it's "How many kids do you have now?", and they're shocked when the answer is none. It's so hard to find the right words to tell people why we don't have kids yet. I don't want a calling in the nursery or the primary, because it's just too hard. Despite my love for little kids, sometimes the sadness and frustration at our situation is too much for me. Yet, when it comes to close friends and family, even though sometimes I ache for what they have, their babies bring me so much joy! I find myself very lucky to have family and a few close friends with babies who I am able to love and spoil until I have my own. Those babies tend to fill a hole in my heart, even though sometimes they're a reminder of what I don't have.This is infertility.

I'm realizing this post is kind of all over the place. My thoughts are kind of scattered on this topic, and it's sometimes difficult to put my feelings into words. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't want people to tiptoe around me, or to avoid talking to me about infertility or their babies or their struggles just because we haven't been able to start our family yet. I want to be there for every moment, and I want you to share your excitement, your happiness, and your difficult days with me. And most importantly, I want you to know that if I need a moment to be sad, or angry, or downright miserable, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it certainly doesn't take away from the excitement and happiness I feel for you. 

Love, Harmonie