Happiness

On Sunday, we jumped in the shower and in the midst of a ridiculous situation that involved Brandon farting excessively, I found myself laughing harder than I have laughed in months, maybe even years. I could not stop. It was just one of those stupid moments where I got a fit of the giggles and couldn't stop them. After we got out of the shower, we were sitting on the bed and I just got overwhelmed thinking about this absurd moment I had just experienced. I started crying as I thought back over the last few years and the lack of that blissful happiness I have felt.

Over the last few years, I have dealt with varying levels of depression. It comes and goes, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm in the middle of it. I have gone through months of days on end where I barely showered. Dishes sat for weeks growing mold, Brandon rarely had clean laundry, and I left the house a couple of times a week to check the mail in the same dress that had been sitting on the couch for weeks. I would bail on appointments, make up excuses to avoid meeting up with people, and I stopped doing things I loved. I have gone in and out of this over the last 5-6 years, and really struggled the worst I ever have about this time of year two years ago, despite living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. It seems to come seasonally, even when we lived in Hawaii, where we certainly didn't experience the varying level of seasons that we have in other places. I never seem to notice how bad it is until I look back at the worst parts from a more positive place, and I suppose that's where I found myself yesterday.

I feel so much guilt as I think about the unhappiness I've felt so frequently over the last few years. Even in my best moments; sitting on the beach, playing with Tell, spending time with family, going on adventures with Brandon, I would have thoughts of wanting those moments to end so I could go back and sit in my bed and be a vegetable again. This didn't always happen, but often it did. One day not long after we moved back to Utah last year, Brandon and I were driving down the freeway and I told him how guilty I felt because we had everything we wanted. We were living in a nice area in a nice home, Brandon had a great job, we were close to family, etc., and yet I still just felt so unhappy. How could I have all these blessings and yet find myself sitting on the couch unable to get up because I just... couldn't? I guess that's one of the worst parts of depression; realizing you have all the things that should make you happy, but you don't know how to actually be happy.

After laughing my head off in the shower, we sat on the bed and I just started crying as I told Brandon how much lighter I have felt lately. I really don't remember the last time I constantly felt happy, with a little bit of sadness as I miss family or frustration at the situation in the world. This opposed to a constant feeling of sadness with moments of happiness that has been my life for so long. I forgot that this was normal. I forgot that this was something people experienced. I am so grateful for happiness. I am so grateful for moments of ridiculousness that bring me to fits of laughter that lead me to tears. I am grateful for all the hard, depressing times I have had because I am overwhelmed with appreciation for all of the good moments and the happiness I have.

Somehow, over the last few weeks since we moved to Florida, I feel a lightness that I haven't felt for years. Last weekend we bought a blow-up pool, got in our swimsuits and sat in it in the backyard. We laughed our butts off watching Kilo run back and forth and plow through the pool as he chased his ball. He ended up popping the pool of course, but we didn't even care because we were having so much fun. We barbecued hamburgers and I went to bed with so much joy in my heart that I was completely overwhelmed. I just feel that now. I don't know why I feel this happy here, or now. It's odd how we are so far from family, in the middle of a global pandemic, and yet I feel happier than I have for years.

I don't know why that has changed over the last few weeks. I don't know if it really is this place that we have wanted to get back to for so long. I don't know if it is just a peace knowing that we finally made it here. I don't know if maybe this is just a high and I'll find myself back in one of those low places in the future. What I do know is that I am grateful now for these moments, because I have missed them so desperately and I didn't even know it.

Be happy, friends. Find moments, even in your hardest days, to laugh and smile. Don't take your great days for granted because the hard days will come, and those happy days are the ones that will get you through the worst ones.

Love, Harmonee