The Last Five Years

Over the last five years, on multiple occasions, Brandon and I have been asked why infertility has been so hard for us. Why do we want kids so bad? Is it really that big of a deal? I'm always a bit floored when someone asks something like this. Of course this is hard. Haven't you ever had a dream? Something you wanted so desperately your entire life? And then when you finally take all the steps necessary to achieve it, you learn you can't have it; or you have to try harder and make extra sacrifices, all in hopes that that dream will come true. In the meantime, you watch your friends and family achieve this exact dream, some without hardly trying. Why do they get it? Why was it so easy for them and so incredibly hard for us? These are all questions I have asked myself numerous times over the last 5+ years. Why is infertility hard? I'll tell you. In the last five years...

• Brandon has been deployed 3 times
• I have moved 9 times
• We have lived in 3 different states
• We have put over 100,000 miles on our car
• My little brother graduated middle school, will graduate high school in less than 6 months, and will leave on a mission before the year is over.
• My little sister graduated high school, moved out and went to college, got engaged, got married, and had her first baby.
• Between both of our families, there have been 17 babies, and six more are on their way, that I can think of off the top of my head.
• At least 4 of my friends who battled with infertility have had babies or are currently pregnant.
• There have been more babies born to our friends than I could even begin to count.
• I met my best friend, who got pregnant and had her first baby, got divorced, and got remarried.
• We have been on 5 significant vacations, not including all our trips home.
• Brandon was diagnosed with a pituitary brain tumor, which was later removed, and he is now in the process of being separated from the Navy.

The list could go on and on. What's my point? All those things make infertility hard. It is mind-boggling to look back and see all the things that have unfolded over the last 5+ years, all while we have been struggling to start our family. Time doesn't stop for infertility, it keeps going every single day. Things are so vastly different than they were when we first decided to start trying to have a baby. It's painful to look back and see that all this time has passed and many times I feel like we still have nothing to show for it. Each day, week, month and year that passes is time we can't get back. It's time that we could've been parents. It's time that makes me think that maybe, 5 years from now, we will have gone so many places and seen so many new things, but we will still be living much the same life. 

Infertility, for me, is hard because I feel so stuck. This dream and vision I had for my life has been completely turned upside down. I never thought I would be almost 25 and still not have babies. Everyone says we are still so young, but we were young over 5 years ago when we started this journey and now we are 5 years older. What happens when we are 5 years older from now? 

It's hard to feel hopeful along the way. It's hard to say with surety that we will be parents in the next year, or two years, 5 years, or ever. That's why it is hard. We can do all that we are able to do, with no guarantee of the outcome we want. There are some things in life you can have if you just apply yourself and work hard enough. But for something like having babies, there are only so many things you can do.

All this isn't to say I'm not grateful for the last five years, because I am. I have said many times that although it's been hard, the time Brandon and I have had together is time I will never regret or take back. I'm so grateful for the relationship we have developed because of the time we have had alone together. We've had to rely so heavily on each other that I never worry if we'll come out of this okay. At the end of the day, even though they have been so difficult, I'm grateful for the last five years.

Love, Harmonie