8 Years

8 years ago, we went for a walk in the woods behind our little base housing townhome. As we were walking we talked about Brandon's upcoming deployment, how broke we were, and when we wanted to start a family. Coincidentally, I was down to my last few birth control pills. We had less than $10 in the bank and knew that we had to head to Walmart to pick up my prescription. But... what if we didn't? What if I got off of birth control and we just... Saw what happened? 

We went to Walmart, and in true Brandon & Harmonee fashion, we decided at that final minute to buy Butterfinger ice cream instead of my birth control. And that was it! We were taking the first steps towards starting our family. 

I started my period shortly after getting off of birth control, and then we had one cycle to "try" before Brandon left for 7 months. I started my period the day after he left and I remember crying in our downstairs half bath. Little did I know, that first disappointing "not pregnant" was only the beginning.

Here we are, exactly 8 years later. We did 4 unsuccessful medicated cycles earlier this year, and after the 4th one in June failed I felt so hopeless. When we started those treatments, I was really sure one of them would work. For the first time in years I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be and I was hopeful. The process of going through infertility treatments broke down walls I spent years building so that I would have the will to get out of bed and keep living my life. The breakdown of those walls put me in a really vulnerable place emotionally and I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay. 

I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my infertility doctor at the beginning of September, but I canceled the appointment. I have been seeing a functional medicine doctor and after realizing all my hormones are completely out of whack, we decided to work on regulating those instead of putting a $20,000+ IVF bandaid on them, with no guarantee it would be successful. 

It's hard to be in this place. The reality is I don't know that we'll have kids. It can be hard when people tell you, "I know your time is coming! Somehow, you will be parents!" But... I don't know that. I hope for it, and I pray every day it will happen, but I don't know it. I know so many people who just know they have babies waiting. They've had divine, spiritual confirmation, and I know more than one person who has had a very vivid dream with a specifically named child. I've never had that. I've never received an answer to "Will I?" and that's a hard reality to grasp. 

We gave ourselves a cutoff date. It's hard to say that after a certain point in time we just... won't try anymore. But I also know we can't do this until it isn't physically possible anymore. I also know I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to start having kids. Had we gotten pregnant within the first year of us trying, we would have a 6 or 7 year old. In all reality, we would probably be done having kids, or close to it. And instead we haven't even started. It's a hard reality for me to grasp and even though I feel like I've come a long way emotionally, there are still days and events that bring me to my knees. Sometimes I wonder, if I could go back, would I tell that Harmonee how hard it would be? Would I warn her so she would be prepared, or start getting help sooner? Would I help her know how to advocate for herself so doctors would listen? Or would that just have deterred me from trying?

So, I don't know what's next, really. We're working on regulating hormones and getting our bodies to a healthier place so we can optimize our success, with or without infertility treatments. It's hard because no matter what direction we go, it requires time. And time is the one thing in this process that there just isn't enough of. But we're here, and we're trying. We're praying for answers and results and doing our best, in the mean time, to live our lives to the fullest.

Love, Harmonee 

My Moon

 I was watching the latest episode of This Is Us the other day, and connected so deeply to the story they told. In the episode, they tell part of Uncle Nicky's story. After returning from the Vietnam War, he suffered with PTSD, depression and numerous other mental problems. He lived in a trailer by himself for decades, until he was found by his niece and nephews. Several years later, his nephew Kevin had twins, and named one of the twins after Uncle Nicky. Nicky traveled across the country by plane to meet his namesake; the first time he had flown since returning home from the war in 1971. Late one night he snuck into the twins' room and told them about Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. He explained to them that one day, even visiting the moon was an impossibility, and the next, we were walking on it. He talked about his difficulties in life, and how he had always been alone. He told them how he had just resigned to living life stuck in the same patterns and never really going anywhere, until they were born. "You're my moon", he told them.

When we had been trying to get pregnant for about two years, we started realizing we weren't going to have an easy time. I started to struggle, a lot. It made me incredibly sad, and sometimes even angry, to watch everyone around me get pregnant with ease. I hated going to church and being asked when we were going to have kids, I hated that I was always called to be in the nursery or the primary, I hated that people I knew who didn't even want kids were having kids, and I wanted to punch everyone who complained about pregnancy or their kids right in the face. I hated basically everything that had to do with kids. This was weird for me. I have loved kids my whole life. I built this wall trying to keep myself from being angry but it just made me depressed. And then my little sister got pregnant. 

When she got married several months prior, my husband told me I needed to prepare myself because them being married meant they would probably be having kids soon, and possibly before us. I told him I knew, but I still thought in the back of my mind that we would be first. We had already been married for 4.5 years at that point! I just knew I would have the first grandbaby. But I didn't. Those next few months were some of the worst for me. I laid in bed almost 24/7. Brandon did the dishes, washed laundry, and pushed me to get out of the house on the weekends. I was so frustrated because I was so excited for my sister; I was so excited to have a nephew! But I was so sad that it wasn't me. The conflicting emotions that come along with infertility are one of the most frustrating parts. It's hard to be so excited for someone but still so incredibly sad for yourself, and I certainly didn't want my sister to know I felt that way. As time passed, I got more excited for him to be born, and less sad for myself. But I started to get scared. I was so scared that I would walk into that hospital room and my heart would break. I was scared that I wouldn't want to hold him or that I wouldn't develop a bond with him because of my own heartache. I prayed for weeks, and the whole airplane ride home, that when I held him all I would feel was love. I got to the hospital and he was out having tests done. They wheeled him into the room and I remember my little sister saying, "Your aunt wants to meet you!" And that was it. All those feelings were just.... gone. No sadness, no heartache, no anger. Just an incredible amount of love for this tiny little boy. The next two weeks I got to spend time snuggling him and staring at his perfect little face, and after that everything was different.

I stopped being angry every time someone else got pregnant, or complained about how tough their pregnancy or motherhood was. I stopped unfollowing my friends with babies. I stopped noticing every single pregnant person everywhere we went. I stopped being so incredibly sad that my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. This isn't to say that I'm great now. I certainly still have really hard days and I have a lot of moments where I am so frustrated that I'm still stuck in this place. But I don't let it control my life anymore. I still battle depression and I still have days that I barely get out of bed, but I don't spend my time wishing that my life was different. 

Sometimes I feel silly for thinking it, but there have been a lot of moments when I have looked at Tell and thought, "God sent you here for me." I think a lot of people in our family needed that little boy for a lot of different reasons, but he saved my life. He healed my heart in a way that even my own babies couldn't. Hallee had to have babies first, because I had to get to a level of peace in myself so that I wouldn't continue to harbor negative feelings through this process. And then, when Hallee announced she was pregnant with Castle, I was so freaking excited. I didn't spend one second feeling angry or sad, and I think that even surprised me a little bit. I feel like I've finally reached a place where I can not only not be sad, but I can be really excited and happy when my friends and those around me find out they're expecting. Babies are a miracle, every single one of them. I know God sent that little boy down here, at least in part, so that my heart could heal. 

Tell Bug, you're My Moon.

Love, Harmonee

Happiness

On Sunday, we jumped in the shower and in the midst of a ridiculous situation that involved Brandon farting excessively, I found myself laughing harder than I have laughed in months, maybe even years. I could not stop. It was just one of those stupid moments where I got a fit of the giggles and couldn't stop them. After we got out of the shower, we were sitting on the bed and I just got overwhelmed thinking about this absurd moment I had just experienced. I started crying as I thought back over the last few years and the lack of that blissful happiness I have felt.

Over the last few years, I have dealt with varying levels of depression. It comes and goes, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm in the middle of it. I have gone through months of days on end where I barely showered. Dishes sat for weeks growing mold, Brandon rarely had clean laundry, and I left the house a couple of times a week to check the mail in the same dress that had been sitting on the couch for weeks. I would bail on appointments, make up excuses to avoid meeting up with people, and I stopped doing things I loved. I have gone in and out of this over the last 5-6 years, and really struggled the worst I ever have about this time of year two years ago, despite living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. It seems to come seasonally, even when we lived in Hawaii, where we certainly didn't experience the varying level of seasons that we have in other places. I never seem to notice how bad it is until I look back at the worst parts from a more positive place, and I suppose that's where I found myself yesterday.

I feel so much guilt as I think about the unhappiness I've felt so frequently over the last few years. Even in my best moments; sitting on the beach, playing with Tell, spending time with family, going on adventures with Brandon, I would have thoughts of wanting those moments to end so I could go back and sit in my bed and be a vegetable again. This didn't always happen, but often it did. One day not long after we moved back to Utah last year, Brandon and I were driving down the freeway and I told him how guilty I felt because we had everything we wanted. We were living in a nice area in a nice home, Brandon had a great job, we were close to family, etc., and yet I still just felt so unhappy. How could I have all these blessings and yet find myself sitting on the couch unable to get up because I just... couldn't? I guess that's one of the worst parts of depression; realizing you have all the things that should make you happy, but you don't know how to actually be happy.

After laughing my head off in the shower, we sat on the bed and I just started crying as I told Brandon how much lighter I have felt lately. I really don't remember the last time I constantly felt happy, with a little bit of sadness as I miss family or frustration at the situation in the world. This opposed to a constant feeling of sadness with moments of happiness that has been my life for so long. I forgot that this was normal. I forgot that this was something people experienced. I am so grateful for happiness. I am so grateful for moments of ridiculousness that bring me to fits of laughter that lead me to tears. I am grateful for all the hard, depressing times I have had because I am overwhelmed with appreciation for all of the good moments and the happiness I have.

Somehow, over the last few weeks since we moved to Florida, I feel a lightness that I haven't felt for years. Last weekend we bought a blow-up pool, got in our swimsuits and sat in it in the backyard. We laughed our butts off watching Kilo run back and forth and plow through the pool as he chased his ball. He ended up popping the pool of course, but we didn't even care because we were having so much fun. We barbecued hamburgers and I went to bed with so much joy in my heart that I was completely overwhelmed. I just feel that now. I don't know why I feel this happy here, or now. It's odd how we are so far from family, in the middle of a global pandemic, and yet I feel happier than I have for years.

I don't know why that has changed over the last few weeks. I don't know if it really is this place that we have wanted to get back to for so long. I don't know if it is just a peace knowing that we finally made it here. I don't know if maybe this is just a high and I'll find myself back in one of those low places in the future. What I do know is that I am grateful now for these moments, because I have missed them so desperately and I didn't even know it.

Be happy, friends. Find moments, even in your hardest days, to laugh and smile. Don't take your great days for granted because the hard days will come, and those happy days are the ones that will get you through the worst ones.

Love, Harmonee

The Last Five Years

Over the last five years, on multiple occasions, Brandon and I have been asked why infertility has been so hard for us. Why do we want kids so bad? Is it really that big of a deal? I'm always a bit floored when someone asks something like this. Of course this is hard. Haven't you ever had a dream? Something you wanted so desperately your entire life? And then when you finally take all the steps necessary to achieve it, you learn you can't have it; or you have to try harder and make extra sacrifices, all in hopes that that dream will come true. In the meantime, you watch your friends and family achieve this exact dream, some without hardly trying. Why do they get it? Why was it so easy for them and so incredibly hard for us? These are all questions I have asked myself numerous times over the last 5+ years. Why is infertility hard? I'll tell you. In the last five years...

• Brandon has been deployed 3 times
• I have moved 9 times
• We have lived in 3 different states
• We have put over 100,000 miles on our car
• My little brother graduated middle school, will graduate high school in less than 6 months, and will leave on a mission before the year is over.
• My little sister graduated high school, moved out and went to college, got engaged, got married, and had her first baby.
• Between both of our families, there have been 17 babies, and six more are on their way, that I can think of off the top of my head.
• At least 4 of my friends who battled with infertility have had babies or are currently pregnant.
• There have been more babies born to our friends than I could even begin to count.
• I met my best friend, who got pregnant and had her first baby, got divorced, and got remarried.
• We have been on 5 significant vacations, not including all our trips home.
• Brandon was diagnosed with a pituitary brain tumor, which was later removed, and he is now in the process of being separated from the Navy.

The list could go on and on. What's my point? All those things make infertility hard. It is mind-boggling to look back and see all the things that have unfolded over the last 5+ years, all while we have been struggling to start our family. Time doesn't stop for infertility, it keeps going every single day. Things are so vastly different than they were when we first decided to start trying to have a baby. It's painful to look back and see that all this time has passed and many times I feel like we still have nothing to show for it. Each day, week, month and year that passes is time we can't get back. It's time that we could've been parents. It's time that makes me think that maybe, 5 years from now, we will have gone so many places and seen so many new things, but we will still be living much the same life. 

Infertility, for me, is hard because I feel so stuck. This dream and vision I had for my life has been completely turned upside down. I never thought I would be almost 25 and still not have babies. Everyone says we are still so young, but we were young over 5 years ago when we started this journey and now we are 5 years older. What happens when we are 5 years older from now? 

It's hard to feel hopeful along the way. It's hard to say with surety that we will be parents in the next year, or two years, 5 years, or ever. That's why it is hard. We can do all that we are able to do, with no guarantee of the outcome we want. There are some things in life you can have if you just apply yourself and work hard enough. But for something like having babies, there are only so many things you can do.

All this isn't to say I'm not grateful for the last five years, because I am. I have said many times that although it's been hard, the time Brandon and I have had together is time I will never regret or take back. I'm so grateful for the relationship we have developed because of the time we have had alone together. We've had to rely so heavily on each other that I never worry if we'll come out of this okay. At the end of the day, even though they have been so difficult, I'm grateful for the last five years.

Love, Harmonie

The Tiniest Blessing

Over the last 5 years, I've collected baby items here and there; blankets, clothes, books and the occasional toy. But about two years ago, it became too hard. I stopped seeing the point in buying baby items for a baby we didn't have, and didn't know if we would ever have. It got difficult to walk through the baby section, and pretty soon I was avoiding it altogether. But then, my little sister told me I was going to be an aunt.

Suddenly, I had an actual reason to go into the baby section. I wasn't buying items for a baby that didn't exist anymore! I was buying them for a tiny human growing inside my sister's belly, and I was so excited. I was surprised at how excited I was. I thought it would be more painful, and even though there were certainly days when it was hard, there was an overwhelming excitement and happiness for this new baby joining our family.

I flew home to Utah for the birth of my nephew, and I was overwhelmed the whole way there. I was so nervous. I was afraid that I would get there and have a total meltdown, that I would be overwhelmed with mixed emotions, that I wouldn't be able to love and bond with him the way I wanted to. Maybe those things are completely illogical, but they're legitimate concerns that I had. And yet, when I walked in the room and the nurse brought him back in from one of his tests, I fell in love. He was perfect.

I was lucky enough to spend the 2.5 weeks that I was home at my sister's house, snuggling that teensy baby as much as I could. I was amazed how this little human who wasn't even mine could fill this hole in my heart that had hurt for so long. I realized that this little baby was the closest thing I have to my own babies. Just a short time before I got to hold him, he was with them. That small thought brought me more comfort than I can even explain.

I recently went back to Utah for another trip that was much too short. But once again, I got to spend that time at my sister's house. That tiny baby, although still small, is so much bigger than he was 4 months ago. His little giggle lights up the whole room, and it is so much fun to make him smile. His sweet little dimples melt my heart and I just can't believe how perfect he is.

Watching my little sister become a mom and step so naturally into that role is one of the most incredible things I've ever watched. It's so obvious it's something she was born to do, and the way that her sweet baby boy looks at her is absolutely magical. It's amazing to see how much he loves her and how he knows exactly who she is. She is his entire world, and it's one of my favorite things to see.

I knew I was going to love this little boy, but I had no idea just how much he would bless my life. Seeing the beauty of motherhood in my sister has brought me so much happiness. I've found so much peace in knowing that even if I never had kids, I would have this sweet little boy and his future brothers and sisters to love.

Infertility is hard, and it never gets easier. But when tiny blessings like this little guy come along, it helps me to realize that even through the heartache, Heavenly Father is bringing love and peace into my life in ways I didn't know were possible. Being an aunt to this sweet boy is my greatest blessing yet.

Love,
Harmonie

I Thought That Would Be Me

This is probably the hardest blog post I've written. In this journey of Infertility, vulnerability is the hardest part. One of the things I think I express in every blog post and that I want to reiterate here, is that I never want people to think I'm sharing these things for pity, or because I want people to feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't do or say things around me because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing or hitting a nerve. One of the biggest things I've learned in this journey is that Infertility is no one's fault. It isn't our fault we haven't been able to have babies, but Sally got pregnant her first try, and Suzy's husband can get her pregnant just by winking at her. I never want anyone to mistake my pain for anger or frustration towards them. I can be happy for you, and still be sad for us! 

I was the first in my group of friends to get married, in fact, I was one of the first in my high school class to get married. I assumed we would have babies before everyone else since we got married so much earlier than most of my friends. But, time passed, and even the friends who got married years after we did have started their little families. It seems like there is a pregnancy announcement on Facebook at least once a week. I remember thinking, "I'm fine. She hasn't had a baby yet and neither have they. I still have lots of time." But now, I can count on one hand the number of friends I have that haven't had a baby or aren't pregnant, and every time I see another pregnancy announcement my heart breaks a little more. Because I thought that would be me.

In December, my little sister announced that she was pregnant. I remember we were unpacking, and we were taking boxes from the kitchen into the garage. I stopped and sat at the bottom of the stairs and told Brandon I needed a minute. I started crying and he knew immediately what was wrong. But I was so conflicted. I was so excited! I have been looking forward to little cowboy and cowgirl babies since before my sister even got married. But how my heart ached. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning, I started to think about everything else that her pregnancy meant. We were married 4.5 years before my sister. I was the first of my siblings to get married and logically, I figured we would have kids before they did. I just knew that I would be the one to make my brothers uncles, and to tell my parents they were going to be grandparents. I had this vision in my head of the way it would go and how exciting it would be. But instead of me, my little sister got to do that. This crushed dream welled up inside and my heart broke all over again. Because I thought that would be me.

I struggle to go out at all. Church is hard because nearly everyone has babies and little kids. Even places like the zoo are difficult because all I can think about is how much more fun it would be if we had an excited little boy running around roaring at the lions. It seems so silly, sometimes, to dream of a life I don't have. It seems silly to wish a moment was different, even though that moment is good. But every time we go out, I look at the little families and my heart sinks. Because I thought that would be me.

Last August, I went to Kauai with my mom, sister and brother-in-law. There was this adorable turtle onesie that we saw everywhere. It was one of those onesies that was customized to the location and that you buy your baby as a souvenir. I ended up sending a picture to Brandon and asking him if I needed it. He told me no. I knew I probably didn't, but I wanted it anyway. I didn't buy it because, well, who buys a souvenir onesie for a baby they don't have? In February, some of my family came to visit. We went to the Polynesian Cultural Center and, lo and behold, there was that turtle onesie. My mom picked it up and walked to the counter with it, to buy it for her grand baby that came along for the trip in my sister's belly. I had to walk outside. I sat on a bench next to my husband and cried behind my sunglasses. Because I thought that would be me.

There are so many things about Infertility that are hard. The realization that you have to let go of a dream, or at least let go of some of the details, is so difficult. I have always had this vision in my head of how my family would be. I wanted a family young, so that my kids could grow up with lots of cousins and could have time with their grandparents and great-grandparents that they really remembered and cherished. I wanted to make my parents grandparents. I want to share all these beautiful places that we get to live with my kids. I want to watch my cousins hold my babies at the family reunions. I want my kids to remember my grandparents, because the memories I have of my great-grandparents are memories I will cherish forever. And I know, we have time. I know, we're still young. But we aren't getting younger, and if the next 4.5 years go as quickly as the last have, we truly don't have as much time as we'd like to believe we do. I know that just because some of the things I dreamed of can't be a reality, that doesn't mean that some of them can't. It doesn't mean we won't have kids, or that I can't make my parents grandparents again. But letting go of those hopes and visions can truly be heartbreaking. Maybe it's naive to get so worked up and hope for things that you don't know will happen. It's unfair to put this expectation on ourselves when we have no control over whether or not it will happen. But without those hopes, without those dreams, what else do we have?

I'm not sharing this so you feel bad for us. I'm sharing this because I'm hoping it will reach someone else who is struggling. I'm writing about our struggles because I hope that it will help someone else feel comfortable sharing theirs. I'm talking about our feelings because no one should be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about their struggle with Infertility. I'm trying to Flip the Script, because I never thought this would be me.


Love, Harmonie

5 Lessons in 5 Years

We have officially been married for FIVE years! The time seems to have gone by so quickly. Over the last 5 years, we have experienced 3 deployments, 9 moves, way too many 16-hour drives to and from Utah, a cross-country road trip, a West Coast road trip, a move across the ocean, infertility, tears, heartache, fights, smiles, laughter, and copious amounts of happiness. 5 years of marriage has taught me a lot of things, but to me, these are the 5 biggest things!

Year One: Trust. We got married fast. Like, really fast. Our relationship started long distance, and two days after we got married I flew back to Utah to finish my semester in college. We were apart our whole first month of marriage before I finally moved in with him in Florida! 8 months after we got married, Brandon left on his first deployment, and I really struggled. I had come out of a pretty rough relationship where I had been lied to and cheated on numerous times, and that left me struggling to get over a lot of things, but it really affected my ability to trust. Brandon was always so patient with me, and never gave me a reason not to trust him. And still, I struggled. I felt like a psycho person. We fought constantly his first deployment because I just wondered where he was and what he was doing all the time. He face-timed me almost every single day, and yet I still struggled! It was a huge mental hurdle for me to just STOP wondering. I battled it constantly that whole deployment. When he got home we spent a lot of time really growing our relationship in person, and that is when I think I really developed that trust. When we got married, I don't think I realized how many scars I had from my previous relationship and how much that was going to affect my marriage, but it did. I'm so grateful to say that now, 4+ years later, I no longer have those feelings of doubt or fear. Brandon has always helped me to feel confident and safe and I am so grateful to be in a marriage where I have complete trust in my spouse. I am a firm believer that without trust, a relationship can never work. 

Year Two: Self-Confidence. This is another thing that I really struggled with as a result of my previous relationship, and I think that's part of why I had some trust issues. I was insecure and so I struggled to trust Brandon. I remember one night in particular, I was laying on the couch BAWLING. I don't even remember why, but Brandon knelt down beside me and told me that it was okay. To him, I was perfect. To him, my flaws were just part of what made me, me, and he LOVED every party of me! It has taken a lot of time for me to feel completely comfortable and confident in my own skin, and I still struggle with it a lot. But Brandon never hesitates to tell me I'm beautiful, and to compliment me on my talents, my quirks, and all the things that make me who I am. I truly believe that in order to completely love another person, you have to love yourself. I didn't completely love myself when we got married, but I know that without Brandon, I wouldn't have learned to love myself the way that I do now!

Year Three: Independence. I've always been the type of person who needs time alone. There comes a point where I just have to get away from everybody and everything and have some space. But, I never really liked doing things by myself. I didn't want to go to the grocery store alone, to the movies alone, etc. I like being surrounded by people! People I like, that is 😋. But with multiple deployments and lots of time alone, I've really had to learn to ENJOY being alone! I moved home for two of Brandon's three deployments, and so even though I spent the majority of that time around people, I did spend some of it completely alone. I had to unpack a house by myself twice, install washers and dryers, set up internet and utilities, and a million other things. That might all seem so small, but to me accomplishing all those things on my own was huge! I have learned to really love being by myself! I no longer hate going to the grocery store by myself, and I don't struggle when Brandon is gone at night. Plus, I have Kilo who always keeps me company! In a marriage, the relationship and partnership is the most important thing! But I also have learned that it's crucial to continue being your own person. Having a job or hobby that is yours and helps you to be happy with yourself is so important!

Year Four: Spontaneity. I haven't every considered myself to be a very spontaneous person. I'm not a planner, but I'm also not one to take off into the forest and go adventuring randomly. Brandon, however, is. He loves to wake me up at the butt crack of dawn and head out the door on some random adventure! I haven't always particularly enjoyed that! But, I'm learning to. We have had a lot of fun in our 5 years of marriage and have definitely gone on a lot of adventures. Brandon helps me to loosen  up and be more in the moment. He has helped me to focus on NOW, to be grateful for it, and to make the most of it. There are a lot of things that we have done that I probably never would've done if it wasn't for him! I love to relax and enjoy things, and I don't like to plan every second of my vacation. But typically, if we have a plan and a schedule I prefer to keep to it. Brandon does not. He likes to pull off the side of the road for every little antique shop, hidden beach, and random trail appearing out of the woods. Sometimes I get frustrated with it but I continue to work hard on letting go of that control and taking in every moment! I'm really grateful to have a husband who pushes me out of my comfort zone and encourages me to do things that I don't think I want to do!

Year Five: Emotional Vulnerability. Of all the things I have learned, this has probably been the hardest, and it has really come to head in the last year or so. I've never been a person to share all my fears and struggles. I tend to keep them mostly to myself, and every once in a while I have an emotional breakdown when I just can't handle it anymore or some tiny thing tips me right over the edge. Our struggle with infertility has brought out all the emotions and for a really long time, I struggled to be open about those feelings, especially with Brandon. I didn't, and still don't really, want him to know how much I struggle on a daily basis. On New Year's Eve, we had a complete blow up. I was exhausted. All these emotions and struggles were coming to a head and manifesting themselves in other parts of our lives that they shouldn't have been intruding on, and I fell apart. I have this belief that I have to just deal with it and be strong. I told Brandon that if I allowed myself to feel these emotions every single day, I would never get out of bed. It would be completely debilitating and I can't allow myself to get to that place. Over the years, Brandon has forced me to open up, and it is probably the best thing he has done for me. If he knows something is wrong, he doesn't let me stew on it. He encourages me to open up and talk about it because he knows eventually it will explode. Sometimes I still close it off, and then it starts to build. This is something I'm still learning and working really hard to push through! I know that being emotionally vulnerable with Brandon is one of the things that has brought us closer than just about anything else. He never offers unsolicited advice or tries to belittle my feelings. He is always logical and helps me to reason and talk things out. How blessed I am that I have a husband who has helped me to piece myself back together time and time again! Being able to be emotionally vulnerable in a marriage is, to me, a complete game changer. Knocking down those walls and allowing yourself to be honest on that level can be terrifying and exhausting. But nothing has strengthened our marriage more!

The last 5 years have truly been the best years of my life, but they have also been the hardest. I have never felt so much sadness, heartache, and fear. But I have never experienced this level of joy, hope and love. Marriage is hard, but I'm grateful to be married to someone who also makes it so incredibly easy. Here's to the next 5!

Love, Harmonie